this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
