Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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