Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize