Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
