8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
