cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
4 words: hood of his car
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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