Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
