I faked an abortion last night.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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