i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
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