I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
