I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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