Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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