go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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