Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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