sarcasm needs its own font
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
