i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
