my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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