My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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