If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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