I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
