yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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