If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
