i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
then he tried to convert me to islam
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
