I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
