I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
