I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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