Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
