So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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