My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
