Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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