He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
