you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
