I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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