I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
