My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
