Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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