Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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