nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
