I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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