her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
