I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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