I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
