My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
