Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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