I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
