So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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