I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
