if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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