Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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