You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
