I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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