his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
