There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
