My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
