I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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