My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
