I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
