Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
